Friday, November 3, 2017

Jason Murray

Auntie Daphne and Jason’s Really Excellent Adventure


My mother and my father had two children; my brother Keith and myself.  We were both born before my mother even turned twenty two, Keith following our parents marriage by about seven months at a healthy eight pounds six ounces and I thirteen months later at seven pounds six ounces.  Keith was at a disadvantage at the start.  Mother became pregnant around the same time as her sister in law, her older brother’s wife.  Since Tommy was her favorite sibling and she had looked up to him from a very young age mother was thrilled.  This was short lived because my uncle always walking the fine line between mania and severe depression took his life in a fairly dramatic fashion in the backseat of a Seattle taxicab while seated next to his pregnant wife.  She miscarried my cousin a short time later while my mother continued to carry and eventually give birth to my brother.  He represented loss.  Whenever she looked at him she could see her brother and imagine her niece or nephew she should have had as well.  She saw the loss of a sister in law since she and mother shared the same intense pain over the death of Tommy.  
Then I came along.  I was a new start. There was no stigma, no reminder in my eyes.  My happiness invaded her heart and she shut my older brother out even more, eventually leaving he and my father behind and going to St. Louis with Jeremy Landsman, a man I called father.  My real father meanwhile stayed with friends, leaving my brother with his sister, my aunt Anne while he continued drumming with his jazz trio, working a day job and playing in smoky bars at night.  He didn’t let the fact that he  had type one diabetes keep him from his music.  One night, while his friends went out, he stayed home with a bad cold.  He didn’t have a gig so he thought he’d stay home and try to get over “this bad cough.”  When his friends got up the next morning they couldn’t rouse father.  He died a couple of days later from pneumonia.  He was only twenty seven. Keith was only two, I was only one.  Mother and I came home for the funeral and the two brothers were together again, but this was short lived.  Aunt Anne offered to keep the both of us, and my mother agreed to let Keith stay with her but took me back to St. Louis.  
Six years later, in 1973, mother and I shared a house with her sister, my aunt Daphne, and a friend of theirs, Barbara Aftergut on Bainbridge Island, just a 35 minute ferry ride from Seattle.  One Saturday, shortly before my seventh birthday mother took me down to the docks in Winslow.  This wasn’t uncommon because we knew many people who owned boats, such as the Wild Turkey, a light racing day sailer with a cabin and a mounted bottle of Wild Turkey whiskey, but we weren’t visiting any boat I already knew, we were visiting a small fishing boat.  My mother introduced me to its captain, a middle aged Norwegian named Jerry.  My mother announced that she was going to spend the summer in Alaska, on this same small boat, fishing for Salmon.  I was to stay with my Aunt Daphne, something that didn’t bother me because she was like a second mother anyway.   
Mother left with little fanfare, sailing away on the small plain fishing boat, a gillnetter that would be home to she and Jerry for the next two months.  Daphne and I watched them go and went home where Daphne packed my little backpack with a few things for me and a larger bag with a few things for herself.  Sitting in our little living room Daphne then explained that we were leaving as well.  No boat for us, not even a car.  It was 1973 and neither Daphne or I were unfamiliar with how to get around without a car.  We got a ride as far as the Winslow Ferry and from there hitched our way to the interstate, relatively new having only been installed 11 years earlier in time for the Seattle World’s Fair.  Thumbs out Daphne and I were on our way to introduce me to a brother whom I didn’t remember.  
The trip to California was without incident.  I remember riding in a station wagon with a family, being told that if I swallowed my gum it would build up in my stomach and never go away.  While riding with the family we drove through an area with beautiful views and bridges.  The person I remember most of all though was the trucker that picked us up shortly after Daphne got written up for being too close the freeway.  Apparently we were allowed to hitchhike but needed to stand on the other side of the swale built along the side of the freeway.  Dave the trucker is how I remember him now.  A long nose Freightliner with a small bed behind the two front seats was the tractor he drove and I sat in that little bed watching out the front window and listening to him talk on the CB.  
Dave drove us all the way to Berkeley and to the apartment that my recently divorced Aunt shared with her child, my brother, now eight.  Now I was thrilled to suddenly have a brother.  I followed him everywhere and instead of using his name I addressed him as brother, a fact he pointed out to me on a later visit I made to him on slightly more normal transportation.  Keith and I had little in common since he had been adopted into a pretty normal household with his new mother, our aunt Anne, and his new father, her husband Dave Brubacher, while I was raised by our mother but also an aunt, and a friend as well as a couple of different “daddies” at different times.  Despite this we seemed remarkably similar.  
For me it was a great summer.  In spite of missing my mother I had gone on a great adventure and met a brother I didn’t realize I had.  The adventure wasn’t over yet.  Dave the trucker was making a return trip that went North all the way to Seattle and didn’t want Daphne and I back on the side of the freeway.  He lived in Los Angeles and felt the easiest way for him to get us was to fly us down to LA.  Daphne and Anne realizing we’d be in LA decided that we should all go and make a stop at Disneyland.  I remember getting to the little park in Anaheim.  Keith and I each got one book of tickets, realizing pretty quickly that there were only two E-tickets and a bunch of A-tickets.  E-tickets got you on the Pirates of the Caribbean, A-tickets the dumbo ride.  But that was Ok because I got to eat lunch at the Blue Bayou where you watched all the boats bobbing past on their way to the drop into the pirate’s cave.  


That summer was the type you want to be able to write about when the teacher asks you to write about your summer vacation.  While my mother fished for steelhead and cut eight foot sharks out of the net while they bobbed below her mouth gaping open I ate a birthday cake shaped like a tugboat.  While Nixon tried to stop the Watergate scandal from awaking the American public to his misdeeds, I had clam chowder at the Blue Bayou and drank glasses of Coca Cola.  America was reeling from the Vietnam war and the Civil Rights battles of the sixties and I was reeling from the excitement of learning about my brother Keith.  

Monday, May 23, 2016

Coffee house home

Again, at home
Away, in a coffee house
Not my own
The sounds
Background noise 
Coffee grinder
Someone's phone
Playing a video
Interrupting the noise
With a foreign sound
Tinny, alien
But in my language
Not understandable
As if in another 
Tongue.
The cup, hot steaming
Sits waiting for my touch
Black, really deep brown
A little bitter
Biting the back of my mouth
And realizing the promise 
That comes with its smell
now and again
The movement of 
My fellow patrons
Ordering, carrying their 
Prizes to their tables
Two men talk of their plans
Two women talk about their work
Refilling their mugs 
And continuing
Caffeine fueled ambition
Coffee scented hope
In this chaos, ordered, 
I am myself. 

Friday, April 8, 2016

Athiest

God existing where?
In the minds of believers
I do not live there

fried egg

Teflon pan butter
Egg sits and fries lazily
Egg over easy
He asked me
Do you believe in God
I said No
And he said why not
So I
Told him this
That while I had seen many things
To convince me God exists
My daughters face
Seconds after she was born
My son's laugh
When he is watching some
Ridiculous show
My dog's sleeping form
The dogwood in the back yard in full bloom
Pink blossoms glowing in
The Afternoon sun
I had also seen things
To show me his Absence
The wars that continually rage
All over the planet
The hatred people have for
Others who are different
The child dying from a disease
He did nothing to receive
I see people search for
God, mostly to have someone to blame
For their failures and someone to
Credit with their successes
I see people use God to
Condemn others for simply
Loving someone
For trying to live a life
Deserved, a life loved
I see families split
Over nothing
But a misguided belief
In an absent God
No, faith doesn't satisfy me
I cannot simply accept
Because in simply accepting
People found themselves led to
Gas chambers
Or clearings in the South American Jungle
And disappearing
Or simply stopping living
Waiting for the next life
No, I told him.
I don't believe in God.
He said OK
I kinda Get it
And lifted his beer
And drank.

Her Eyes

Jason Murray

So dark
Her eyes
Iris bleeds 
Into the pupil
The first time 
I saw them
Fell deep into 
Those pools
So deep 
I couldn't climb out
Hair floating 
In a halo 
Around her 
Perfect face
How it snares me
Traps me
Takes me in 
And comforts me
In its hold
Her hands
Small, blunted nails
Touching my face
And I drifted off
Asleep on the floor
Late for work
She simply had
To kiss me
And I thrilled
Lifted deep 
In my soul
Captured, trapped
And Oh!
What a wonderful
Trap
May I stay in it 
Forever. 

Monday, February 1, 2016

February 1st, 2016

The night is rainy
wet streets and dark
the street lamps strain
to light their small world
and provide the small
sense of security
as people splash in and
out of the puddle of light
left like a stain on the sidewalk
this light
like a moon
suspended above us
sees everything directly below it
it does not see the cat
skulking beneath the car
the dog in the house
silently barking
through the window at the cat
it does not see the lovers argue
while sitting in the car
neither getting out
it is blind
to the pigeon that sleeps
securely on its top
while into its sight
walk friends laughing
at an unheard jokes
lovers who holding hands walk slowly
reveling at their brief
privacies
as they move from light to light
protected in their darkness
revealed by the street lamp
left there by city planners
to help everyone feel better, safer, seen, unseen.